Read it in The Staten Island Advance

DEAR FEMMES: I have an old friend who’s been happily married for years. Recently, his wife has been spending some time on and off in Florida, and while she’s away he calls me to ask whether I’m free for lunch or dinner.

I’ve pretty much dodged the invitation up until now. I know he has no ulterior motives, other than that he hates to eat alone, but I’m afraid it would bother his wife if I accepted the invitation. I want to ask him if he’s mentioned this to her, but I feel like it would sound as if I think he’s up to something. How should I handle this?

A FRIEND INDEED

ELLEN: If you feel his wife might be bothered, – or that there is even the possibility that he might not be forthcoming with her — I’d continue to beg off, unless he’s willing to meet you for breakfast. Eggs and bacon spell romance only when you’re wearing clothes from the night before.

Tell it like it is. “Arthur,” I’d say, though I’d be more likely to e-mail, “nothing would give me more pleasure than dining with you, but Lucy might think it was odd. That’s what you get for being so damnably attractive.”

Suggest that you all get together for dinner when Lucy returns. With the wine uncorked, maybe you can figure out if Lucy is cool with Arthur dining with gal pals while she’s on the road. Then again, maybe it’s better to zip your lips …

ELISE: Some men and women can share a meal, catch up like old times and they, and their spouses, think nothing of it. While that may be Arthur’s plan entirely — and you’re just No. 9 on the list of old pals to call while his wife is out of town — you don’t seem as uncomfortable.

It’s Arthur’s responsibility to ensure his wife is OK with the dining arrangement, yet you keep dodging this old friend. Why? I think the reason goes beyond a concern for Lucy’s feelings.

Hold off on dinner for two until you figure out more — like why Lucy recently has joined the frequent-flyer program. It makes a difference if business or an ailing parent repeatedly is bringing her to Florida vs. another kind of “get-away.”

Read it in The Staten Island Advance

DEAR FEMMES: I want to “break up” with a friend, but I’m having trouble doing it. We’ve been friends for 11 years, but we started growing apart about halfway through.

My biggest problem with her is her flightiness. I’ve accepted it all these years, but I’ve had enough. I’ve talked to her about it, but nothing has changed. I want out. How should I proceed? 

BFF NO MORE

ELLEN: What if friendships were like jobs, where “areas needing improvement” could be addressed in a face-to-face sit-down annually?

Imagine this Hallmark opportunity: a BFF’s Day, in which friends achieving the highest standards of on-time arrival and emotional triage are celebrated.

Sadly, most friends are flawed — although, in my self-evaluation I was awarded a 9.9 score out of 10.

Kidding aside, when a friend disappoints me consistently, I wonder if my expectations are reasonable. Your friend’s always been flighty, you say. So, a decade later, should you expect her to be anything other than what she is?

If she ever had a place in your heart, I think the answer is to reassign, not fire her. Kick her upstairs. From BFF, say, to BFF Emeritus. Enjoy your friend for what attracted you at first, though maybe you’ll choose to see a little less of her.

ELISE: I agree, seriously reflect on it before pulling the plug on this 11-year friendship. But if it’s clear in your head that the relationship is at the Do Not Resuscitate stage, don’t second-guess yourself or feel guilty.

Too often, women sign up to be BFFs without properly vetting the candidates or simply outgrow the friendship and want out, but remain friends, or more likely frenemies, out of a sense of obligation.

Since she did nothing egregious, skip the bridge-burning “I don’t want to be friends anymore” confession and Facebook defriending. You just may wish to reconnect at a later point.

Instead, do a gradual pullout. Make yourself less available and don’t initiate contact. If she questions your MIA status, blame it on work or another endeavor that’s vacuuming up your time.